


back toward safety, forward toward growth

by RaineyDay



Series: Autistic ADHD Obi-Wan AU [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends: Jedi Apprentice Series - Jude Watson & Dave Wolverton, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: ADHD, Bruck Chun (brief), Building Good Mental Health Habits, Gen, Mental Health Issues, Neurodiversity, Obi-Wan Kenobi has ADHD, Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, Young Obi-Wan Kenobi, medicine isn’t for everyone but if it works for you then it can really help
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-08
Updated: 2019-11-08
Packaged: 2021-01-25 18:53:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21361021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RaineyDay/pseuds/RaineyDay
Summary: Moving past bad habits is always hard. It’s especially hard when you’re stuck in the same place you’ve always been.Or vent-ish fic about ADHD Obi-Wan doing better at stuff because he gets some support and a goddamn diagnosis.
Series: Autistic ADHD Obi-Wan AU [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1894696
Comments: 8
Kudos: 200





	back toward safety, forward toward growth

**Author's Note:**

> I may come back to this if I want to vent a bit more, but I wanted to write about ADHD Obi-Wan and about rejection sensitive dysphoria in general, so here. I have a vague plot and some ideas to continue, but for now, I’m marking it complete.

Obi-Wan took a deep breath as he stood up from his bed that morning. It was odd, to be back in the Temple after a few months away.

He hadn’t planned to be away, but there hadn’t been much he could do. The ship he and a few of his classmates had been on and been damaged, and his escape pod had ended up away from everyone else’s, close to a planet called Uto.

He’d never heard much about the planet before he’d ended up rescued by its people. He’d been very upset to learn that they would be unable to return him home very quickly. The Utoins didn’t leave planet very much, and they didn’t allow foreign ships to come during their winter season, as it was a violation of their cultural norms. Only a truly terrible emergency would have changed their minds on that.

What really worried him about that excursion was the fact that he was afraid of what the Utoins had told him. They had housed him for the months he was there, and educated him, and in that time, they had also decided he had some disability that he’d never even heard of. He’d denied it at first, sure they were wrong. But as they described the symptoms, he had to admit that they had a point. And the holonet did say they were very advanced in their health care system. And once they’d started trying to treat him for it, he’d started doing a lot better.

But what if all that changed here? The doctor he’d worked with had been concerned about that too, that being in a place he’d developed old bad habits in would encourage those bad habits to come back.

And what if they were wrong? The Healer who had been given control of his prescription had seemed rather skeptical when she’d been given it, and had just handed it off to her apprentice with a quiet command to ‘look into that diagnosis further.’

And besides, all his old concerns seemed to be coming back too. He was losing time to find a Master. There hadn’t been that many people expressing an interest in the first place, and now he had even less time to impress them!

He sighed, standing up and moving to the bathroom, where he brushed his hair and took the usual multivitamin Initiates received, which starting today was sitting beside two small pill bottles containing his new treatment.

He stared into the mirror for a long moment, just thinking.

It was going to be fine. He’d follow the schedule. He’d be okay. Yes, he’d lost time, but it would be okay. He could do this.

He took another breath before finally getting up the courage to get dressed and leave his room.

-

Obi-Wan was different, ever since he came back from Uto. None of his classmates really knew how to explain it, but they had all noticed. The teachers and other adults who paid close attention to the younglings had as well, though they didn’t know what to make of it.

He’d simply been doing _better_. Inexplicably, for no obvious reason, Obi-Wan was just handling everything a lot better. His schoolwork had improved, particularly in more mental areas. His shielding was better, and he was calmer. He was getting along better with his peers. For the most part, anyway.

Many of the other initiates were perfectly content to accept the new behavior. Others were suspicious. How had such a change happened so quickly?

Obi-Wan, however, had not particularly noticed just how different he was being. He could see that he was doing better on assignments, but he’d been told to expect that when he’d begun treatment. He attributed his better peer relations to the temporary burst of popularity that always accompanied a student with an exciting story.

So he was rather surprised one day, when Bruck Chun growled out a threat at him. Not that Bruck was threatening him, that was normal, but what the threat was.

“I don’t know how you’re cheating, but it’s not going to help you.” The growl turned into the usual smug smile by the end of the sentence.

“Cheating at what, Bruck?” Obi-Wan sighed. He really didn’t have time for this today.

“You know what I mean. No one improves that much that fast. I don’t think a few months away from the Temple changed your entire personality.”

“I’m not going to talk to you about this, Bruck,” Obi-Wan tried to step past him, but Bruck wouldn’t move. The motion attracted the attention of a few other passing Initiates, who began to whisper amongst themselves, and a crowd started to form around them.

“About this? So there is something to talk about?” Bruck had always been too good at picking up on what Obi-Wan didn’t say.

“It’s none of your business!” Obi-Wan said, slightly more frustrated than he’d meant it to sound. He hadn’t told anyone yet. He didn’t know how. Only the healer who’d been given his new prescription had been told, and not by him.

“People  _ cheating  _ is always a Jedi’s business. Not that you’d know that. You needed to lie and break the rules to even have a chance, and you’re still not good enough.”

The crowd took in a sharp breath at that, students exchanging looks between them in anticipation. Obi-Wan understood why. There had been far too many fights between him and Bruck started by similar words. He tensed himself. He really didn’t want to do this again.

“You don’t even know what you’re talking about,” Obi-Wan shot back, voice shaking slightly. He was trying so hard, but he couldn’t deny the pain and anger he felt at the insults.

“I don’t need to. You admitted that something’s going on. All I need to do is tell the creche master and you’ll end up in the Agricorps early at best! You might even get kicked out completely,” Bruck leaned in at his words, and for the first time, Obi-Wan noticed him tensing, as if expecting a punch. He was trying to provoke Obi-Wan.

This wasn’t new knowledge, by any means, but usually Obi-Wan didn’t remember that in the heat of the moment. For some reason, though, today, the usual pain of Bruck’s insults was far less. Instead of the knife in his chest it usually was, today it was just a dull ache in the back of his mind.

And with that realization, a rush of calm made its way through his mind. His hands stopped shaking and he could focus on something other than the pain.

“Alright. Go ahead, tell them,” Obi-Wan shrugged, trying to skirt around Bruck again, who blinked in surprise. Obi-Wan ducked his head as a small smile crossed his face. It was very satisfying to see him getting irritated that his plan wasn’t working.

Bruck reached out a hand to stop Obi-Wan from passing, gently. Bruck was always gentle, never giving the first blow. It’s how he managed to hurt people without getting in trouble. If anyone saw, he would just claim self-defense. And since Obi-Wan was his main target, it had become more and more believable every time Obi-Wan finally got too frustrated and lashed out. And it wasn’t going to work this time.

“You’re bluffing,” Bruck accused. He was getting agitated, and so was the crowd. They didn’t know what to expect now. Neither did Obi-Wan. He was rather shocked himself that he wasn’t currently trying to beat Bruck into the ground.

“Okay, sure Bruck. I’m bluffing. Whatever you want to believe,” Obi-Wan turned around, because he clearly wasn’t going to get past Bruck, and as soon as he did, he quickened his pace and walked away. He managed to get through the crowd that had gathered without needing to elbow anyone, and was greeted with Creche Master Vivan and Master Windu about two steps afterward.

“What has this crowd gathered?” Master Windu asked him. “Has there been a disagreement?” Most of the Initiates scattered at hearing the voice of an adult, especially an adult this prominent in the Temple. A few only creeped a short distance away, clearly still listening in.

“Initiate Chun and I had a bit of a difference in opinion for a moment, but nothing we couldn’t handle,” Obi-Wan said, willing his voice to stay calm. He hadn’t done anything wrong, not this time.

Master Vivan sighed heavily and looked to where Bruck still stood. At the clear lack of injury, he glanced back at Obi-Wan in surprise, and he felt an odd mixture of shame and pleasure to realize Vivan had expected Obi-Wan to have hurt Bruck. It shamed him to know how close he’d come, and that the expectation wasn’t wholly undeserved, but it felt really good to have defied that expectation this time.

“Is that true, Initiate Chun? It’s all handled?” Vivan asked.

“Master, he- Obi-Wan-” Bruck began, and Obi-Wan tensed. Bruck had lied before, but not about this. But he’d never really had to lie about it before. Did he really dare? And what could Obi-Wan do if he did?

“Yes?” Vivan asked.

“Obi-Wan is right. Everything is fine.” It clearly burned Bruck to say it, and Obi-Wan didn’t understand how no one else could see it. But that didn’t matter right now. What mattered was that everything really was fine.

-

Junior Healer June Azre grinned broadly as she greeted Initiate Kenobi. He’d arrived at the Healing Halls for a recommended check-up and she’d ensured that she would be the one to take his vitals. As the healer assigned to keep track of any medicines he took, it wasn’t hard to argue for that right. She had been waiting for a few minutes in the exam room for the chance to speak to him.

“So?” She started, picking up her supplies. She’d heard about the non-fight a few days before. It wasn’t major gossip for the older Padawans and young Knights that made up her peer group, but she’d heard a mention and chased down more information. There had been a number of people trying to keep an eye on him, particularly among those who were considering taking on a Padawan in the next few years. Some of the Knights she knew had told her about the things the other adults in the Temple had said about that boy. He had great potential, they all agreed, but he was squandering it. Many people who had been watching him with interest as he grew up had mentioned what a shame it was to see his talents go to waste from his apparent indifference and occasional violent outbursts. So the fact that he seemed to be making a turn around, including a moment of backing away from a confrontation he previously wouldn’t have hesitated to engage in was fairly gossip worthy, for those who had already been talking about him.

“So what?” Obi-Wan asked, seeming genuinely confused.

“So I’m guessing your new medicines are really working well!” Azre rolled her eyes. “I have been hearing things about how you’re doing a lot better recently at not lashing out.”

Obi-Wan colored slightly in response, then cocked his head to the side.

“You think it’s because of the medicine that I didn’t fight Bruck?”

“Well, I mean, from what I’ve read about what they’re prescribed for, yeah. I mean, the symptoms of ADHD include poor impulse control and being sensitive to criticism and insults, right? So your medicines are kind of meant to stop that kind of thing, amongst other stuff.”

“Oh. That makes sense.” Obi-Wan looked down, his shoulders slumping.

“Is something wrong? You should be happy about this.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Of course it matters! You’re recovering and learning better habits!”

“No, I’m not. It’s just the medicine. I’m not doing anything.”

Azre stared at him for a moment in surprise, then set down the supplies and tools she’d been readying. She stepped closer to Obi-Wan, setting a hand gently on his shoulder.

“That isn’t true. I don’t know what you think is happening, but the medicine isn’t doing the work. You are. From what I’ve read,” which, admittedly, wasn’t much, “your condition means that you have more trouble in certain areas than others, not because of anything you did wrong, but just because of your biological makeup. Your brain has been sabotaging you. All the medicine is doing is leveling the playing field. It’s not doing anything for you that isn’t the same as what everyone else gets naturally. It’s just making it so things are finally fair for you.”

Obi-Wan met her eyes then, and Azre realized how young he really was. He was honestly just a kid, who’d only just been able to return home after a stressful few months.

“Are you sure?” He asked, voice timid.

“Better than that. The experts are sure. The Utoins have the best mental health system in the galaxy. Their doctors are extremely well-educated. If they say this medicine is what you need, they know what they’re talking about.” When that comment didn’t seem to move him, Azre continued. “And if you don’t trust that, then trust the Force. I don’t know about you, but every time I’ve thought about your new medicines since I was told about them, things have felt right. The Force is telling me that this is what’s right for you, and if you slow down enough to listen, I think you’ll realize that too.”

At her words, Obi-Wan took a deep breath, and Azre let him have a moment of silence to assess the veracity of her words.

When he opened his eyes again, he looked hopeful for the first time since she’d met him.


End file.
